I think as humans, we often forget that God is still out there. Sure, we know He's all around and we know that He's always watching over us, but I think we forget that he's in control of everything. When things go spiraling down either in our lives or in the world, we forget that it's happening because God planned it to happen. We forget that no matter what, He will never leave this sinful and destructive world. No matter how many times we mess up and no matter how many times we fall and try to push Him away because of something that happened trying to deny that He let it happen and forgetting that everything happens according to His own plan, he welcomes back in open arms and gives us some sort of reminder that everything will be alright again. For me, it's something that I struggle to talk about. Only two of my closest friends know about it because it's such a personal and difficult thing that I went through, that I'm scared to let anyone else know about it because who knows what they'll say when they know? It was a time where I really pushed God away, I didn't tell anyone about it and I tried my hardest not to let it show. In that time, I forgot that God was still there for me, He was watching over me and he knew that even at that time when I didn't believe that everything would be normal again, that I wouldn't have to hide away anymore and I wouldn't have to lie about it, saying "yeah I'm okay, just having a rough day." I pushed God away, and looking back on it now almost a year later, that was one of the things I regret most. I regret ignoring the things that could've pulled me out of it and I regret turning away from God when I could feel him reaching out to me, whether it was a few words that my Sunday school teacher said, or a Bible verse that popped up on my Pinterest feed. I regret not telling my parents about it then and there, denying the fact that they understood some of what I was feeling, even if it was just a little bit. To this day, they still don't know. I've kept it a secret all this time and some days when I'm not feeling great I think about telling them. I'm hoping one day I can buck up the courage and tell them about it, or send them the link to this blog so I don't have to tell them face to face because that's one of my least favorite things to do and I would completely mess up everything I'd try to say. It was a time for me that even when I was pushing God's hand away, refusing to grab it and let him pull me out of whatever hole I was in, I asked him why. Why did I have to go through this? Why couldn't it stop? Why, out of all the 8 billion people on this planet, did I have to be feeling those things and thinking those thoughts? It's not till 11 months later, where I still have moments like those and I still don't put everything I have towards God where I know some of the answer to that question. God gives us these trials because he knows we'll make it out of it and he knows that even if it takes three months or three years, we'll come running back into his arms. He gives us his word to read and use as a reminder that he'll never leave us and he uses our parents and friends as a reminder that even when we didn't feel like it, God put them there in our lives for a reason. It was in the subtle reminders, the "I'm here for you if you need anything" and the "I'll be seeing you in three months, don't let me down." It was in that Bible verse that popped up on my feed that to this day, I still use as a reminder that it'll be okay and God hasn't left me and that I went through that because he said so, because he knew I would make it out and even if I have a few scars from it, I'm alive and I'm closer to him because of it. I know as humans, we forget God is there. We forget that everything happens according to his plan. I'm not ready to come out in the open and preach to the world what happened to me yet. It might be many more months or a couple more years until I am ready. What I am ready to say now, without going into detail, is that I'm okay. I have my moments, I have my days, and there's been times where that familiar feeling in my chest bubbles back up and I feel like I'm going to go through it all again, but I always pull up before it pulls me under. I'm okay, and I know that there will be times in the future where those two words will be a blatant lie, but right now I'm happy to say that I'm alright and I'm remembering that God is in control and that I always have someone to talk to. Whether it be this blog, spilling out words that don't even make sense, sitting on my bed in the darkness just talking to God or talking to my closest friends and knowing in the back of my mind that they're going to be there for me as long as God wants them to be. I'm never all by myself, and as cheesy as it sounds, I never will be.
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Authordaughter of the king. dancer, lover of music, pretty pun-tastic. Archives
June 2019
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