Uplifting, exhausting, emotional, euphoric, difficult, and so many more would be the words I would use to describe LINK 2019. When Mr. Etter asked the students to think of one adjective to describe this LINK, my mind started reeling with different words that could be used, but none of them seemed to be enough. Either they weren't strong enough adjectives or they just didn't have enough meaning to them, it was hard for me to think of something that could describe such an amazing week in just one word.
So instead of one, I picked a few. There is nothing more euphoric than rushing to hug your close friends that you haven't seen in a year or more. That huge rush of emotions that hits you once you remember 'oh right, they're real' is something that can never be fully put into words. As someone who has a hard time putting my feelings into actual sentences that make sense, this is quite difficult to me. I feel like no matter how long this post might be, none of it can ever add up to the experience that this trip was. I feel like difficult and emotional go hand in hand here. We all know that this school year in particular was the most difficult out of all of them, as it was said Friday night during the awards ceremony. There was so much loss and hurt this year that all of us experienced. Whether it was a teacher, a family friend, or even your own family, all of us were affected to some extent by the weight of these losses. This LINK was difficult because all of us had our hearts heavy with what felt like the weight of the world hanging onto them. But instead of having that burden alone, we shared it together. All of our tears shed were shed with each other instead of by ourselves. Our hugs were real and they had never felt more grounding than they did then. As a few of you know, my grandfather passed away in February. Those few weeks in particular were the hardest because I had never felt more alone than I did then. So to those of you who messaged me sending love and prayers, thank you. It has taken time and healing and even though there will always be a hole in my heart where my amazing Bumps had filled, you guys helped me close it up a little more. The last night after the dance I had the chance to sit and talk with Mr. Etter for about two hours. While half of those were him telling me to be quiet and that we wouldn't survive TGC3 together next year, we had some serious conversations. I got to thank him for the pizza that he sent to my family the week that my grandfather passed (which is still insane, I can't believe that they did that) and he replied to me saying that they had to do something for us, because they knew how that felt. During that conversation, I felt so uplifted. I haven't talked about my feelings towards my grandfathers passing much, and sharing some of how I felt with Mr. Etter felt so much more uplifting than I could have ever imagined. So thank you, Mr. Etter. You have no idea how much that two hour long conversation meant to me. To the rest of you. I won't name names, cause you all know who you are, but I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for the shoulders to lean on when all I felt was exhaustion. Thank you for the laughter and games. (Some of them more chaotic than others), and thank you for the laughter and happiness that you gave me. I can't remember a time within the past year where I have felt happier and more surrounded by people that I love and that loved me than I did this week. You all mean the absolute world to me, and I thank God that we're blessed enough to have this opportunity. I am eternally, always, and forever in debt to you for how happy you made me during this time. We had our moments of hysteria (mostly caused by sleep deprivation and the annoying lack of oxygen), but even then we had each others back. Thank you for dancing with me and yelling the lyrics to the songs so loud that our voices were hoarse for hours afterwards. Thank you for the long walks and even longer talks. You guys made all of this worth it. There is so much more that I could say, but I'm still so overwhelmed by emotion from today that I feel like anything more to be said wouldn't make sense. I'm grateful for this education that we have and the amazing teachers we are blessed with. I'm grateful for the ability to share our burdens and our hurting hearts with each other. I'm grateful for all of you, so much more than you could ever know. So until next year, thank you for the best week I could have ever hoped for. I love you guys. <3
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Can you take me back when we were just kids
Who weren't scared of getting older? 'Cause no one knows you like they know you And no one probably ever will You can grow up, make new ones But truth is, there's nothing like old friends. _ The most anticipated event at the end of the school year. The only motivation we have left to push through and finish our finals. The butterflies the night before we leave or while driving to the airport, just wanting to get there. Wanting to be with everyone in fellowship and just have fun. Some of them we've never met, and others we haven't seen them in years. The excitement knowing that we've known them for so long and you finally get to meet them and get to stand face to face with them. We get to hug them and laugh with them and it's the best feeling in the world. Breakfast always started at 7:00am. However, since we are all teenagers who are not in any way morning people, the majority of us didn't show up till later. We were always half asleep, waiting for the coffee (or redbull) to kick in, but we still sat around the table eating our disgusting watery eggs and freezer-burned pancakes. But who cares about the food? We were just there for each other. We hung out in the gym a lot. Wanting to get out of that awful 100 degree heat and into some air conditioning. Some went to play air hockey, others basketball, but a lot of us hung around on the side and talked. Sometimes we played games, other times we listened to music and told really bad jokes. By the third or fourth day, we were tired of playing Signs and Mafia, probably because half of the people didn't even know how to play and the other half was in their own world. There were lots of late nights. Sitting out on the small golf course telling horror stories is a thing we did every night. After the dance we were all out there at 1:00 in the morning, dancing to cotton eyed joe and crying our eyes out at the fact that it was the last night and we didn't know how long it would be until we saw each other again. Yelling at each other for playing depressing songs that only made us sadder and trying to get some off of the roof of the pool before they jumped in. (Even though we agreed that it never really happened.) There's many more things that happened that I'm choosing to leave out (mainly for my emotional state) but I just wanted to say thank you for an amazing week. We cried, we laughed, we made tons of bad puns, but we also gathered in fellowship together for a week of fun and worship. Four days packed full of different events and activities, and during those, we all bonded. We made new friendships, continued old ones, and had fun. While I'm extremely sad that it's over and that we have to wait 358 days to see each other again, I'm grateful we had the opportunity to spend some good time together. Thank you for making those four days a beautiful oasis. I can't wait to get out of this desert again. 5.30.18-6.3.18 I remember the day I found out you were going to be coming to our family. We were on a road trip on the way to our grandparents house for the 4th of July when my dad turned down the radio and said, "Alright! Time for a family meeting." Now, my young self didn't really process what he had said so half seriously and half jokingly, I asked "where?" thus making the rest of my family members start laughing. However, that's besides the point. My dad rambled on a little bit, I don't remember the whole conversation because keep in mind that this was four plus years ago, but the one thing that I vividly remember is dad looking at me in the rear-view mirror and saying, "Kaebrie, you're going to be a big sister." I think to this day, that was one of my favorite moments. I had let out a gasp saying "Really?" And dad confirmed, saying we were going to be adopting. Knowing that I would have a little sibling to hang out with and protect when people tried to come after and even though I didn't know you yet, I loved you and I was so excited to have you come to us. The rest of my siblings seemed pretty excited, but I was beyond ecstatic and I remember the days and weeks after going up to everyone at my church saying "I'm going to be a big sister!" And have them confused for a moment before mom told them that we were adopting. I remember seeing a photo of you for the first time. It was an afternoon in September, I was upstairs doing whatever my 8-year-old self was doing (most likely playing with polly pockets) when I decided to go downstairs to ask my mom something, but when I arrived in her office I saw her and Christopher looking at her computer, tears streaming down moms face and a look of shock on Christopher's. "We got the call," she told me, and I immediately ran over to her computer to see that yes, they had and there was a photo of you, my little sister, sitting on a bed in an orphanage looking at who knows what. I remember getting emotional, tears welling up in my eyes as I looked at the photo of you, knowing on the inside that even though mom and dad hadn't confirmed the file that you were the child they wanted, you would be the child they would bring home. Months passed, months filled with paperwork and new pictures of you and finally the day came around where I would be meeting you. Mom, dad, and Kaitlynn went to China for two weeks to go get you while Christopher and I were at our grandparents house. We were both upstairs watching tv, knowing that you all would be getting there later that night but not knowing when, and every once in awhile we would go downstairs to see if you'd gotten there yet. It was the feeling of excitement bubbling up in my whole being, my hands shaking and my stomach twisted in knots because I couldn't wait to see you. Finally after awhile of waiting, Christopher went downstairs and I hadn't seen any car lights pull up in the driveway yet, so I stayed upstairs until finally going down. As I reached the bottom of the stairs, I saw the four of you standing in the entrance way to the living room. Mom holding you in her arms with dad and Kaitlynn standing behind her and I walked into their line of vision and immediately broke down into tears, the rest of the family following. I couldn't believe that after 18 months of waiting, I finally got to meet you. You had no clue who I was and you still had the look of fear in your eyes as you processed seeing all these new people, but I had never been happier to see you. Four years later, here we are. You're a ball of energy who loves her kitty-cat and running outside and going to Sunday school at church. You have your moments, but the majority of the time you're a happy little girl. It'll be years before you read this, but I want you to know that you were a blessing to all of us. I know there's already been times where I've gotten annoyed at you, letting frustration out on you that I should've let out elsewhere and I apologize for that. I promise you that I want to be there with you while you grow up, even through the years of therapy and doctors appointments that you'll have to go through, I want to be the best sister to you. (Forget Kaitlynn, she left you for college.) "Love is patient.
Love is kind. It does not envy, It does not boast. It is not proud, It is not rude. It is not self-seeking, It is not easily angered. Love keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil. Love rejoices with the truth. Love always protects. Love always trusts. Love always hopes. Love always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 It now seems like that once a week we wake up to more horrible news. More lives lost and more people mourning. More blood shed on school floors and more faces of the victims popping up on the news. More and more hate and loud sounds of gunshots and the sounds of parents falling onto their knees after getting a phone call that there was a shooting at their child's school and no, they can't be dead. A place that was once full of people dancing to music and enjoying themselves now empty with sorrow and grief. The world needs more love. Whether it's to a sibling or a pet, or someone you just met. We need more love, because these things keep happening and nothing is being done about them. While it can't set up laws so these things happen less, it can wrap the arms around a mother who just lost her daughter or tell someone that it will be okay, because they aren't in pain anymore. Love is powerful, to say the least. It's comforting and it helps people and gives them smiles even when they can't see clearly because their eyes are so full of tears. It's a warm embrace to someone who is shutting everything and everyone out. While love might not change the past, it can help in the future. While the government turns away and while the events that happened just a mere few weeks ago are no longer on the news, love still stands. I don't care what you say about the government. "They can't do anything about it," or "it's not going to change anything." We know that, because these things keep happening. Gun control might not do anything but they could at least try because this needs to stop. Love is one of the most powerful things that we have and nobody can take it away from us, no matter how hard they try. To Las Vegas, to Orlando, to Virginia Tech, to Sandy Hook, to Sutherland Springs, to San Bernardino, to Columbine, to Parkland. We stand with you, above all the hate, in love. I think as humans, we often forget that God is still out there. Sure, we know He's all around and we know that He's always watching over us, but I think we forget that he's in control of everything. When things go spiraling down either in our lives or in the world, we forget that it's happening because God planned it to happen. We forget that no matter what, He will never leave this sinful and destructive world. No matter how many times we mess up and no matter how many times we fall and try to push Him away because of something that happened trying to deny that He let it happen and forgetting that everything happens according to His own plan, he welcomes back in open arms and gives us some sort of reminder that everything will be alright again. For me, it's something that I struggle to talk about. Only two of my closest friends know about it because it's such a personal and difficult thing that I went through, that I'm scared to let anyone else know about it because who knows what they'll say when they know? It was a time where I really pushed God away, I didn't tell anyone about it and I tried my hardest not to let it show. In that time, I forgot that God was still there for me, He was watching over me and he knew that even at that time when I didn't believe that everything would be normal again, that I wouldn't have to hide away anymore and I wouldn't have to lie about it, saying "yeah I'm okay, just having a rough day." I pushed God away, and looking back on it now almost a year later, that was one of the things I regret most. I regret ignoring the things that could've pulled me out of it and I regret turning away from God when I could feel him reaching out to me, whether it was a few words that my Sunday school teacher said, or a Bible verse that popped up on my Pinterest feed. I regret not telling my parents about it then and there, denying the fact that they understood some of what I was feeling, even if it was just a little bit. To this day, they still don't know. I've kept it a secret all this time and some days when I'm not feeling great I think about telling them. I'm hoping one day I can buck up the courage and tell them about it, or send them the link to this blog so I don't have to tell them face to face because that's one of my least favorite things to do and I would completely mess up everything I'd try to say. It was a time for me that even when I was pushing God's hand away, refusing to grab it and let him pull me out of whatever hole I was in, I asked him why. Why did I have to go through this? Why couldn't it stop? Why, out of all the 8 billion people on this planet, did I have to be feeling those things and thinking those thoughts? It's not till 11 months later, where I still have moments like those and I still don't put everything I have towards God where I know some of the answer to that question. God gives us these trials because he knows we'll make it out of it and he knows that even if it takes three months or three years, we'll come running back into his arms. He gives us his word to read and use as a reminder that he'll never leave us and he uses our parents and friends as a reminder that even when we didn't feel like it, God put them there in our lives for a reason. It was in the subtle reminders, the "I'm here for you if you need anything" and the "I'll be seeing you in three months, don't let me down." It was in that Bible verse that popped up on my feed that to this day, I still use as a reminder that it'll be okay and God hasn't left me and that I went through that because he said so, because he knew I would make it out and even if I have a few scars from it, I'm alive and I'm closer to him because of it. I know as humans, we forget God is there. We forget that everything happens according to his plan. I'm not ready to come out in the open and preach to the world what happened to me yet. It might be many more months or a couple more years until I am ready. What I am ready to say now, without going into detail, is that I'm okay. I have my moments, I have my days, and there's been times where that familiar feeling in my chest bubbles back up and I feel like I'm going to go through it all again, but I always pull up before it pulls me under. I'm okay, and I know that there will be times in the future where those two words will be a blatant lie, but right now I'm happy to say that I'm alright and I'm remembering that God is in control and that I always have someone to talk to. Whether it be this blog, spilling out words that don't even make sense, sitting on my bed in the darkness just talking to God or talking to my closest friends and knowing in the back of my mind that they're going to be there for me as long as God wants them to be. I'm never all by myself, and as cheesy as it sounds, I never will be. |
Authordaughter of the king. dancer, lover of music, pretty pun-tastic. Archives
June 2019
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